Emergency Steady Urging Me

Emergency Steady Urging Me

First off, I am attracted to men.  I just have to say that right out the gate.  It took all of me to write these words.  I was thinking of a possible way to lead up to this, but it is so stressful I can not take another second of my life trying to figure out the way in which to say it.  I am attracted to men.  I am.  I never wanted to be but I am.  I attempted not to be, but I am.  I am.  I am attracted to men.  This day, you must understand, I avoided for decades but the dreadful day has come to pass.

My formative years were spent being mocked, questioned, and criticized by children, classmates, friends and family about my being.  My manner, my disposition, my mood, my speech, my personality were called into question at a young age and I was accused of things I knew nothing about.  I was a happy, playful, outgoing young child, trusting of others, naïve, and fun loving.  I enjoyed life and laughing and talking and meeting new friends at school and learning.  I was accused of being gay, having no idea what they were talking about (of course having no sexual urges of any sort during the time). 

However, mocking persisted as I got older because I was not doing things that were deemed “boy things”, being friends with girls and for my voice.  This scarred me deeply in middle school and high school (high school especially).  I was ridiculed what seemed to me to be daily as a freshman to the point in order to shield myself I failed out my advanced  program to be sent back to my home school.   When I arrived, I completely shut down and spent the rest of my time in high school in self-inflicted isolation.  This being a crucial developmental stage, I was social crippled in ways that I have yet to recover from.  I suffer from those days because I do not allow anyone close to me.  I hide my awkwardness, my shame, and my disdain for living. 

I grew up going to church and in an environment where religion was a major concern to some, and if it wasn’t, they wanted to pretend as if it was to please others, to others.  This affected my perspective of who I was.  I was terrified of hell and wanted badly to not have this be my life, for me not to have these feelings.  They never go away. 

At first, I thought I would live a lie forever and do all things expected of a man, but I realized how destructive that would be and I never wanted to put a woman through that.  I would not want to live that way.  Besides, would that have been pleasing to the all-knowing creator?  I did not believe so.  So I decided to live out my life secretly and alone.  This too, proved destructive, as I was a loving being and wanted to have love given to me.  I started searching in the shadows with those in that were in hiding as but they let me down time and time again.  Time went on and without realizing, I excepted my fate as a marginalized shadow on the corner of a wall that did not matter.  My days became darker and darker and I began to succumb to despair.

I did not know how to stop from dying slowly.  I knew I was a light, but where could I go?  Everyone was telling m who I am was the evilest of all.  I began to get fed up and fight back.  Every time I did not tell my truth, I would take one step forward and two steps back.  I knew I had to now.  It was a matter of life and death.  Anxiety and depression continued to swirl around me as I gathered the courage to write you this letter.  I don’t know what will come after this but I will no longer run from the fire. 

I will no longer run from the fire.  I have grown weary.  Whatever I lose is worth it if I can regain myself.  I am growing and I want to love me now and also be able to accept love. 

I know I matter and I am who I was created to be.  There is nothing I can do to change that and it is fine with me.  This is the start of my life.  I am free.  I will be alright.