Focus on Cory!!! (6/24/20)

Ode to COVID

Ode to COVID

Cowering Over Virus in Disgrace

Containing of Virus Involving Distance

Confusion Over Virus Including Disease Details

Closing of Venues Including National Destinations

Crashing of Values in stock, in Income, and Dollars

Creating lack of Variety in Daily routine

Clamoring Over Vittles in Distribution Centers

Causing Outages of Vittles Inside Deep Freezers

Communication Offered Virtually, Instruction Offered Digitally

Chaotic, Overrated?, Villainous, Insane, Devastating

Crash Landing

Crash Landing

Aye, How you feel in this situation?

Outta place

Feeling outta place

feeling

like I landed

in a colony of

an alien race

feeling

like a whole

occupant

of outer space

feeling

as if they could never

appreciate

the content of my character,

or my heart

and the positivity it generates

claiming that they care,

always spitting in my face

experienced disappointments

pray time can erase.

Eruptive Nature of the Psychological Volcano

Eruptive Nature of the Psychological Volcano

An explosion of experimentation

immensely underestimated,

intensely innovative,

and often stimulated,

Tuned to emotion

oozing with compassion,

the insight to incite

the passion in the living dead

by reciting to folly

of the really dead.

Impact adjacent to contact

with a massive meteor-

call you Mars.

You’re erupting ecstatically

envisioning a future to arise

from an ashen state

burning away those things

that come from fear. 

Vulture

Vulture

Taking the leftovers

cuz you have no meal of your own

but don’t you know you full grown?

that you need more nourishment

than the scraps off the bone?

The meat that you eat

is rotten to the core

and if you continue,

you shall perish for sure.

Desperation

Desperation

Desperation-

It stems from prolonged anticipation

from a fantasy unfulfilled

it fools under countless circumstances

fools into fruitless romances

it removes inhibitions

and obstructs love’s visions

torturing its victims

with its false sense of urgency.

Man of Dreams

Man of Dreams

Man of dreams,

drifting through space

on a cloud it seems,

even though onlookers

gaze in shock,

still you dream.

Fill your life with- the wonder

of a mystery,

a hunger

for the history,

and the promise

of the future.

Man of dreams ,

benefiting from thirst

deeper that a stream

thoughts that run

wilder than a horse,

taller than a tree

still, skeptics hypothesize

madness (to some degree),

still you dream.

Fill your heart with compassion

for the walking dead

among us

determined to

rebirth passion

and lust

and bury

the lackluster.

Man of dreams,

man of silliness and

wastefulness and

playfulness and schemes.

Man who enhances

the world for the next man,

drifting through space

on a cloud.

Deceptive Ones

Deceptive Ones

Looking all sweet,

looking all luscious.

Being all evil,

having sharp clutches.

That’s how they roll.

They gon set you up.

Step, Father, Step

Step, Father, Step

I finally spoke with my daughter

In order to understand why she acts that way

Myself, being the amazing father that

I am

I simply refuse to put up with the attitude

Because I do so much for her, you know

She should be thankful

I had my disciplinary speech together

And the appropriate punishment set

After this day she would never behave

That way again

When I walked in the room a chill went through me

How could it be this cold? I turned down the air

I sat facing that troublesome child of mine

And allowed her the opportunity to explain herself

Instead she spoke of once suffering of my

Not being there

And told me if she ever saw me again or not

She simply did not care

She told me she was 20 years old

And got pregnant when she moved into the dorm

And that it had been 10 months since she had heard my voice

And 2 years since her eyes laid upon my form

As tears ran down my face I asked her did she understand that I had done

More than other men did

But she got upset and demanded to know where

I was when she was a kid

What the hell is this, a dream?

Myself? The amazing father that I am

My daughter told me that she hated me

And that I wasn’t shit

She wanted nothing to do with me

Then left me there to sit.

I am an amazing father!!!

Emergency Steady Urging Me

Emergency Steady Urging Me

First off, I am attracted to men.  I just have to say that right out the gate.  It took all of me to write these words.  I was thinking of a possible way to lead up to this, but it is so stressful I can not take another second of my life trying to figure out the way in which to say it.  I am attracted to men.  I am.  I never wanted to be but I am.  I attempted not to be, but I am.  I am.  I am attracted to men.  This day, you must understand, I avoided for decades but the dreadful day has come to pass.

My formative years were spent being mocked, questioned, and criticized by children, classmates, friends and family about my being.  My manner, my disposition, my mood, my speech, my personality were called into question at a young age and I was accused of things I knew nothing about.  I was a happy, playful, outgoing young child, trusting of others, naïve, and fun loving.  I enjoyed life and laughing and talking and meeting new friends at school and learning.  I was accused of being gay, having no idea what they were talking about (of course having no sexual urges of any sort during the time). 

However, mocking persisted as I got older because I was not doing things that were deemed “boy things”, being friends with girls and for my voice.  This scarred me deeply in middle school and high school (high school especially).  I was ridiculed what seemed to me to be daily as a freshman to the point in order to shield myself I failed out my advanced  program to be sent back to my home school.   When I arrived, I completely shut down and spent the rest of my time in high school in self-inflicted isolation.  This being a crucial developmental stage, I was social crippled in ways that I have yet to recover from.  I suffer from those days because I do not allow anyone close to me.  I hide my awkwardness, my shame, and my disdain for living. 

I grew up going to church and in an environment where religion was a major concern to some, and if it wasn’t, they wanted to pretend as if it was to please others, to others.  This affected my perspective of who I was.  I was terrified of hell and wanted badly to not have this be my life, for me not to have these feelings.  They never go away. 

At first, I thought I would live a lie forever and do all things expected of a man, but I realized how destructive that would be and I never wanted to put a woman through that.  I would not want to live that way.  Besides, would that have been pleasing to the all-knowing creator?  I did not believe so.  So I decided to live out my life secretly and alone.  This too, proved destructive, as I was a loving being and wanted to have love given to me.  I started searching in the shadows with those in that were in hiding as but they let me down time and time again.  Time went on and without realizing, I excepted my fate as a marginalized shadow on the corner of a wall that did not matter.  My days became darker and darker and I began to succumb to despair.

I did not know how to stop from dying slowly.  I knew I was a light, but where could I go?  Everyone was telling m who I am was the evilest of all.  I began to get fed up and fight back.  Every time I did not tell my truth, I would take one step forward and two steps back.  I knew I had to now.  It was a matter of life and death.  Anxiety and depression continued to swirl around me as I gathered the courage to write you this letter.  I don’t know what will come after this but I will no longer run from the fire. 

I will no longer run from the fire.  I have grown weary.  Whatever I lose is worth it if I can regain myself.  I am growing and I want to love me now and also be able to accept love. 

I know I matter and I am who I was created to be.  There is nothing I can do to change that and it is fine with me.  This is the start of my life.  I am free.  I will be alright.